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Everything has been going fine with the planning, but lately she's started to get depressed because we have friends whose parents are paying for very extravagant ceremonies.I've never seen her jealous before, and don't know quite how to handle it.Somehow our intellect has become the only politically correct arbiter of a good mate, but that denies the value of sensory judgment. Every part of you that's going to be engaged in your relationship should have equal say in, and veto power over, a potential partner. Never, ever overrule the gut, but bodies have been known to grow more attractive when you come to love what's inside. Besides, given the way reality tends to get the last word, especially in relationships, you might as well be realistic.You can put a noble face on judging a jawline by telling yourself that people deserve to be loved as a whole. Even if you're a living birdbath and want only buff, bronze and blond, you're better off admitting that and cruising lifeguards accordingly than forcing yourself to be deep. Carolyn: I'm getting married later this year to a great woman, and we're paying for the wedding ourselves.I know people don't always "click," but I guess I'm more afraid to find out that I've got this character flaw that I've never realized.Baltimore: I'm as fond of self-flagellation as the next person, especially when that self isn't me, but I think you've made a great case for a cease-flog. Judging him in person isn't shallow, it's smart; mating is emotional, intellectual and physical. You can always give your eyes extra time, in the interest of depth.What Can I Say: His view is immoral on its face to anyone who believes foremost that humans of all shapes, sizes and colors are of equal worth and deserve to be *reflexively* accepted and treated as such.But that's not how he's seeing it, obviously, so that's not his "foremost."What I'd like to know, and what you need to know to go forward: What at the front of his mind here?

That's the old I'm-not-a-racist-but-everyone-else-is dodge. I mean, you've had over 20 years with the guy; I find it hard to believe there's been no indication this was coming.

I'm worried that, when I meet him in person, something about him physically will totally turn me off.

I'm afraid I'm going to find out that I'm shallow or superficial.

At the same time, though, one's own children and their choices can test our beliefs with a force that little else can. You have to do better than "because they are" if you want him to do better than "uncomfortable feelings." Ask him how he'd feel if a woman's parents saw your son as an inferior match for their daughter based on his skin color alone.

Look into your husband's heart, and see whether he has the courage to look there himself.




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